i love you, you dumbass

 11/5/23

i said i love him in my head so many times. i said i know he doesnt love me back even more. But guess what I was proven wrong...!


Just kidding.

Im not going to pull any feel pity bull shit because that is annoying as fuck. But I do this thing where if he says some shit like "you stink" or "i hate you" because that is how we joke, i respond with "ilyt" (i love you too). today he responded to me like that. I didnt get my hopes up like a dumbass as i responded "i dont believe you" and thank god i didnt. Because he said "well thats good because I dont lol" after. 

.

.

.

i dont know if I have anything more to say. But i need someone to understand what it feels like when you love someone so much, that that say "i dont love you lol" back. I know he dpesnt know I acctually love him. I hope he doesnt. But hes my every thing, hes my sun my moon and every star. hes my fucking solar system. hes the breath i release but all i want to do is take him in more and more. if i am in a room with a thousand people who love me he is the only person i will look at because i love him.

But he doesnt love me.


I have known this for a while but oh my god i need to get over him. I feel so empty right now but there is nothing I an do to help that right now. So how i am going to respond to that emptiness is by writing and hope some of the 2 people that read my Friends blog understand and didnt laugh. 


I want to pound against his chest and yell at him "I FUCKING LOVE YOU! YOU DUMB ASS I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!" but that wouldnt be fair. He didnt know and now he will never know.


Im going to say some positives about today though:

I found a good book on wattpad i can read.

I am finished my CLE class midterm. 

I have access to family netflix account finnally after 2 months.

and i am strong so i wont get myself down over this.

ill move on and perscevere.

even though i cringe so fucking much at those words I swear to god I will.

.

.

.

I love him so much but it is completely ridiculous to take this out on him so i am just going to deal with it by myself.

like usual.

like always.

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